The San Juan Islander Bodice Ripper...in Installments

posted 12/28/2006
My friend, Amy, once worked at a magazine that reviewed romance novels. She has read many, many bodice rippers and is a bit of an expert in the genre. While I am a great fan of reading as an escape from normal reality, I never could relate to the general premise of a romance: MAN, strong but emotionally damaged...WOMAN...his only hope for psychic healing.

As a female in a romance, you are likely to suffer being conquered. You will resist at first, but during the course of the novel, your hardened defenses will erode, chapter by chapter, until you are a puddle of docile, love-sick goo at the end. No matter how capable you are of shooting and cleaning your own wild boar at the Earl of Osprey's annual hunt, you will find your velvet bustier torn, your lips bruised from violent kissing, and your boar slung over his lordship’s broad, sculpted shoulders before you can say, "Hey, that's MY boar!"

Amy recommended one romance to me, pronouncing the author one of the best in the trade. The male lead had a name like Granite St. Claire. Her name was along the lines of "Denali". He was a self-reliant rancher who loved children and animals, but had lost his ability to trust during his years as an expert guerilla fighter in Afghanistan. Denali was a respected, beautiful wildlife biologist doing a study of mountain lions on Granite's ranch. Somehow, despite all of those years in graduate school, Denali was still a virgin (as if). You'll never believe what happens next. Hint: he's masterful; she's inexperienced, yet, much like her mountain lions, she is also feral and passionate.

By the time we reach the end of their story, Denali has helped Granite overcome his fears of intimacy, and Granite realizes that he CAN love again. Despite his nightmarish experiences in counter-terrorism and the tragedies he's witnessed, Denali helps him realize that it's still a beautiful world. And the mountain lions were saved, too.

I wanted to run this book through the shredder. Of course the plot line is ridiculous and the characters are simultaneously flawed AND flawless. Granite did NOT pick up a wicked opium habit in Afghanistan, but he has trouble expressing his feelings; Denali did NOT sleep with her graduate advisor, but she is a confident sort of a gal who knows more about cougar urine than men. Ultimately, they are so ideal that they are just boring.

Romance novels are supposed to appeal to readers because they create ideal worlds. The formula for these books is set when beautiful partners collide, have some sort of adventure and conflict, resolve the conflict and fall into happy-ever-after monogamy. Lord Osprey doesn’t go foxhunting later with the attractive daughter from a neighboring estate. Denali doesn’t think to herself, "You know, maybe I should email my old graduate advisor and find out if he's seeing anyone."

I've often (well...occasionally...rarely...ok, never until now) asked myself if I had the kind of rich literary talent that would allow ME to write romantic novels. Personal experience is completely out of the question, but I could turn to high-tech assistance to make me into a writer of foaming, frothing and writhing, overblown prose. You may not be aware that there are many versions of computer software available to guide the fledgling romance writer. The software acts as a template, leading you along in setting up an era, location, names, conflict, and resolution.

I don't have the software and I'm hesitant to fly solo on this. However, we are an imaginative and, potentially, romantic community. I have a strong feeling that, as a collective, we can write a romance novella that will revolutionize the genre. Failing that, it might be entertaining.

Here's my proposal: I will introduce an element of our San Juan Islander Romance, such as location. You write back with your creative inspiration - ferry terminal, Turtleback Mountain, the American Camp, Trivia Night, a whale watching boat, ...wherever. It doesn't have to take place in the San Juans or in the present day, but we are, collectively, experts on the landscape and time period. If we set the romance in, say, the Orkney Islands during the Norman Occupation, we might not all be on the same page, so to speak.

Later, we can consider character names and professions and conflicts. Over the course of the next few months, we can keep refining our romance until we are pleased with ourselves, or lose interest.

I'm not sure how this project will progress, but I figure if Marie Johansen can get a quilting posse to make that fabulous Courthouse Centennial Quilt, we have enough creative ability to knock out a short bodice ripper. Let me introduce you to the basic elements of a romance novel and see (as they say in Texas) if that dog will hunt.

First, we have era and costuming decisions. The time period in which our story takes place will set the historical context as well as the costuming. I can't speak much to the elements of historical writing, but I know a bit about clothes. Romance writers make much ado over garments and describe them in minute detail. Once the outfits are finely drawn, they are almost immediately ripped to tatters due to the overstrung passion of the hero.

Let's say our hero is a float plane pilot. While taking a passenger to a remote estate on a secluded island near the Canadian border, he experiences engine trouble and must stay for several days as he waits for parts. He changes out of his Kenmore Air uniform, and after a weekend of ever-heightening romantic tension, the following occurs:

"Barrow flung Rhianna against the Carrera marble mantle and tore her 5-pocket, boot-legged, low-rise, button-fly, dark-rinse denim jeans from her supple body. His chest was heaving beneath his pima-cotton, v-necked, tennis sweater with small insignia of a koala."

Compare and contrast with:

"Arabella felt his presence even before he cast his long, muscular shadow across the steps to the officer’s quarters of the English Camp. Lord Lisander appeared taut and almost feral in his tight chamois breeches, coarse linen tunic open at the throat, and native woolen blanket thrown over his shoulder with careless abandon. With barely a pause, he rended Arabella’s tissue-thin chemise and thrust her against the water trough."

We could project our romance into the future, but we won’t have the benefit of a costume history book for inspiration. We will have to invent new fabrics and new ways of getting our heroine undressed.

"Sucia stretched across the chrome surface of the Climate Modulator on Mt. Constitution, grabbing for the transponder. Without seeming to even move, Patos ripped through the Waldronex of her standard issue unisex combat vest. As he maneuvered her towards the Fog and Mist Recombinant Chamber, his mechanical hand stroked the silky skin beneath her mesh undercoating."

You can see how a romance is enhanced by pareos that need unknotting, kilts that require unbuckling, and bustiers that must be de-busted. I read one romance where the heroine worked out of her Rocky Mountain cabin in jeans, work boots and a fleece jacket. Her handsome debaucher faced almost no challenges in defrocking her, nor did the reader care if he clawed apart the Velcro on her anorak, or not.

The costumes, historical era and geographical setting will all have to coincide. We cannot make the amateur romance writers' mistake of robing our characters in ruffs and codpieces and then have them frolic at a San Juan winery. Unless, of course, they go there after some sort of spontaneous gathering at the Grange.

Next, we need professions through which our characters meet. Are they Orca researchers, or oyster growers? Kayakers, Lummis, court clerks, English troops, Pig War reenactment enthusiasts, eagle conservationists, attorneys, jewelry makers? Remember, these people will need to meet and have conflict later in the story, so keep in mind what sort of a disagreement a lavender farmer and a llama breeder might have as this will be important for the tension in their romance later on. They need a reason to get together, then break up, and get together again.

Once we have situated our characters in time, costume, location and activity we can move on to the most intriguing part of any romance novel: choosing improbable names for our hero and his consort.

The heroine's name in an historical romance should be feminine, yet speak of inner resolve...Violetta San Pellegrino, Giselle LaCroix, Theodora Renaldi. If your story takes place in modern times, your girl may need to be more edgy and androgynous...Harper Masterson, Pepper Barnstable, Marina Del Rey...wait. no, that's a town...Marina Dell. But place names are not out of the question...stay with the classics though, like Roma or Milana or Athena. If you wander off into Latvia or Dubrovnik or Boise in a moment of unguarded creativity, all is lost.

Environmental names are ever popular. Consider names like Juniper, Pacifica, or Madrona. Our leading lady could even have a flirtatious moniker like, "My real name is Regina, but my friends all call me "Kelp".

Explore, too, ethnic or native-sounding possibilities. Serafina. Doe. Estrella. Owl. Wing.

The man’s name goes much easier. Anything you can find on a construction site will work in any era. Gravel Ballard, Flint Montgomery, Arc Welder...(well, ok...that might be too much).

Action and weapon names: Fleet (without an "s" at the end, connotating, as it does, something completely different), Phoenix, Saber, Rogue, Dirk, and Ram. Names that relate to weather (Storm, Cloud, Thunder Lizard), or nature (Briar, Creek, River, Stone, Thorn, Moss). "Lime Kiln" is a pretty good name, for example. Or, my current favorite, Douglas Fir (I know...I know...I can barely live with myself). You see the endless buffet of possibilities.

While you are going about your usual day, let your mind stroll/frolic/meander/weave/perambulate/circumrotate through the garden/roses/hedges/topiary/ labyrinth/rest stop of your imagination. The points to ponder for our collaborative romance are:

Where is the story in time and place?
What are the circumstances that brought our characters together?
What sort of conflict might our protagonists have? Are the llamas jumping the fence to eat the lavender and is a new war, the Lllama War, about to erupt?
What shall we name our lovers?

Email me at ingrid@sanjuanislander.com and I’ll compile your most romantic longings. Hopefully, we’ll have some intriguing responses and can get busy having our hero fall irrevocably in love with our heroine. Or, failing that, we’ll discover that we are better with lavender and llamas than love.

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Ingrid is currently living and respectably employed in Austin, Texas with a firm specializing in environmental law. She hopes to get back home to the San Juan Islands next spring to stay.
While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." Besides a passion for Tiki Studies, Ingrid is borderline biblio-obsessive. She is an old-school Libran - i.e., she won't be leading the Revolution, but she'll work to make it an attractive affair and hire the musicians and caterers."

Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com

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