My Taxes Pay Your Salary (Little Lady)
or A Day at the Australian Tourism Board
posted 09/07/2006
I once worked for the Texas Department of Agriculture in an environmental oversight section that monitored crop dusters. The vast majority of Texas crop dusters are a cordial group with fine manners and truly improbable names. As a public servant, most of my dealings with the dusters were very pleasant. But once in a coon’s age (which, as you may know, is the time it takes a coon to crawl into your ductwork and raise a family), I would run across a codger with a name like Buster Earl Snellgrove (I kid you not) and he would want to rumble.
Inevitably, the Buster Snellgroves of the planet will say at some point in the heated discussion, "Little lady…don’t forget, MY taxes pay YOUR salary!" If you have ever been guilty of making such an absurd utterance to a government employee (as if you could do anything about it, Taxpayer #10,985, 372), rest assured that the person on the other end of your telephone connection has rolled their eyes heavenward and is doing the math.
What she or he wants most in the world is to say to you: "Mr. Snellgrove, I deeply regret that you feel that the portion of your taxes spent on my salary has been a disappointing waste. Please accept my check for .00000000000000000000000001 of a cent with my sincere apologies. I hope I’ll be better able to serve you in the future."
Sadly, government employees in this country are generally cautioned from saying what comes so naturally. Most government workers burn out early; not from stress, necessarily, but from having to swallow all of the really grand zingers that struggle to escape in the course of a day working with the Public.
The Australian Tourist Board, however, does not seem to be suffering from the same strain caused by suppressed comebacks. If we are to believe the internet (and why shouldn’t we?) the following are purported to be genuine questions and actual responses collected by Aussie government tourism employees. These workers are not refraining from the natural urge to let a snappy comment fly:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australi
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Gum Drop Bear. They are so called because they
drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
My own two years as a public servant with San Juan County gave me every bit as much material as the Tourism Board. But, unlike the Ozzies, we were discouraged from mocking our visitors. This did not prevent us, however, from holding on tightly to the counter or a desk and praying that we would fall unconscious before the retort blurted forth of its own will.
Just a sampling included a gentleman who called me to ask for our mailing address. After I gave it to him, he asked, "Should I write that on the OUTSIDE of the envelope?" Well, yes...writing the address on the INSIDE of an envelope can be really awkward.
One defendant, charged with a minor offense, came in to demand a "trial and a jury made up of my peers." While we acknowledged that this was his right as a free American, privately, we wondered where we were going to find nine people who lived in the harbor on sinking boats with their cats. Sometimes, it’s hard to find peers.
As you may imagine, any discourse dealing with parking tickets in Friday Harbor is likely to be really charged. I was told by a parking offender, "I was GOING to buy property here, but after this ticket, I’ve changed my mind!" Quick, alert the Chamber of Commerce and send over a fruit basket and an apology!
Another woman said, "After this parking ticket, I’ve decided to stop obeying the law!" Pacific Northwest crime spree to follow.
A notice for jury duty brings out some grand opportunities for riposte, "I can’t do jury duty because I’m breast feeding." Isn’t your child in second grade with my daughter?
One busy defendant was late (really, really late) for his hearing and gave as his excuse, "I was closing a real estate deal..." Translated: you needed to get a buddy to save your bench for you in the park.
Most public workers want to help you through the maze that is government bureaucracy and are very long on sympathy and patience. Just remember, while you do contribute to their salaries, their thoughts are their own. Somewhere, right now, a public employee is rolling her eyes and thinking, "I wish I worked in Australia."
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© 2008 Ingrid Gabriel
Ingrid is currently living and respectably employed in Austin, Texas with a firm specializing in environmental law. She hopes to get back home to the San Juan Islands next spring to stay.
While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." Besides a passion for Tiki Studies, Ingrid is borderline biblio-obsessive. She is an old-school Libran - i.e., she won't be leading the Revolution, but she'll work to make it an attractive affair and hire the musicians and caterers."
Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com
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