The 2007 Brief Guide to Gifting: A Primer for Advanced Beginners (Part One)

Somehow, a year has passed and it's time to grab the gifting season by the bells once more. Oh, sure...the days surrounding the winter solstice are traditionally set aside for spiritual contemplation, personal reflection, the celebration of birth, light, family and friendship. I wish we had time to explore the deeper significance of the holidays together. But we have a lot of information to cover, many, many catalogues to wade through, and much on-line shopping to accomplish, so we'll have to save all of that woo-woo navel gazing until January.

Be of good cheer and don't anguish. Your soul guides, over-lighting self, guardian spirits, devas, Goddesses, animal totems, Higher Power or whatever deity you ascribe to will still be hanging around after January 1. They're a patient lot, what with having eternity on their side and all. You, on the other hand, only have six weeks to pull your shopping together and we can't take the time to pause while you reflect on Life, the Universe and Everything. So, onward...

First, I'd like to direct you to my December 2006 article, "It Is Better to Give: A Brief Guide to Gifting." This was an introduction to basic gifting for the remedial gifter. My intention was to offer a few guiding principles, and, thereby, prevent you from making the most egregious gifting errors. I hope it was helpful then, and I encourage you to reread the article, refresh your skills, take a few notes and, perhaps prepare a concise outline before we embark on Gifting for Advanced Beginners.

This may seem unnecessarily repetitive, but do you remember the First Cardinal Rule of Gifting? No? Never, never, ever take your lover/girlfriend/boyfriend along when you go shopping for your wife/husband/life-partner. You may recall that one Christmas I ended up with a bolero evening jacket so be-sequined and be-spangled that Liberace would have coveted it. And, it was in a size so small that only a woman lacking internal organs would have been able to squeeze into it.

Conflict of interest is bound to corrupt your shopping results if you do not avoid this unfortunate gifting hazard. Hopefully, by 2008, the compiled Guide to Gifting will be available on CD-ROM and Mp3 download with supplemental study materials. But until then, re-read 2006 and lay the foundation for successful 2007 gifting.

Alrighty, then...this year I want to take you along on an exploration of the gift landscape. Gifts materialize in November and December that are virtually non-existent any other time of the year, and can really blind-side the unwary gifter. The reason for this is that no one in their right mind would contemplate buying and giving the Pesto Assortment Gift Set for $125 if they weren't driven by the desperation of holiday shopping. Retailers and catalogue companies are counting on your bafflement and are using it to their advantage.

Listen closely: if no one wants a Pesto Gift Set in March, no one wants a Pesto Gift Set in December. This also holds true for the Artisinal Salt Trio, silver-plated and onyx cheese knives and the linen and silk organza tissue cover (with button detailing), or anything with your photo on it (besides an actual photograph, of course).

There is an avalanche of truly bad gifts out there that will knock you down, cover you and smother you if you don't walk very softly and carefully. My objective is to steer you away from gift hazards toward gift safety. If I am successful, you will not find yourself abandoned and alone on December 26th after giving your beloved a Gourmet Vinegars of the World Assortment on December 25th.

Even though it's only November, you may already find yourself floundering in the quagmire of catalogues, store displays and media advertising that leave you almost paralyzed by indecision. Should you give the Miniature Money Tree? The Monogrammed Faux Crocodile Dresser Valet? The Year of Wishes Candles Set? Bewildering choices confront you at every turn and you may come to believe that gifting is a doomed undertaking from the get-go, and that you, the gifting challenged, have very little hope for success.

To this, I snort and say NONSENSE. While, admittedly, gifting is a bug-a-boo of a challenge as far as challenges go, it's not insurmountable. You just need to take the time to absorb and apply a few principles. Gifting, at its purest level, is the material expression of the subtle, nuanced psycho-social relationship between gifter and giftee. When your employer gives you a Kaukauna Port Wine Cheese Ball and a box of Stoneground Wheat crackers, you are not especially delighted, but then, you weren't expecting much (given that he's a tight-fisted poser who doesn't even know your name).

When your fiancée gives you a Kaukauna Port Wine Cheese Ball and forgets the crackers, it's a whole different game. While the earth will not (probably) come to a shuddering halt if you don't fully comprehend the weight and meaning of your gifts, your gift represents your relationship with the giftee and what you understand (or don't understand) about their inner world. You know, their hopes, their dreams, their passions, that sort of thing.

Thus, when you give the Beaded Peacock Feather Coaster Set you are saying to the giftee either a) I know you well and know how much you despise water damage OR b) I haven't a clue what to give you so I'm giving you some nice coasters, since no one can have too many coasters. Only you, the gifter, can assess this and, unfortunately, I cannot help you here. (If you become hopelessly paralyzed in gift indecision, however, you may email me and ask for my opinion. While I am not a licensed consumer therapist, I've got some skills.) This brings us to the Second Cardinal Rule of Gifting: Know your giftee.

This shouldn't be too excruciating to comprehend. Your giftee is going to fall into one of the fairly narrow categories of Loved One (spouse, sweetheart, relative, child, close friend), Business Associate/Teacher/Service Provider (colleague, client, boss, OB-GYN), Child (children not your own, but to whom you either feel close or wish to give) and Neighbor.* Truthfully, the only category we need to focus on is Loved One.

It is not within your power to disappoint a respected colleague or teacher, a child-not-your-own or your neighbors. Someone else has the power to disappoint them, and they will be, mostly, quite content with CDs, gift certificates, Honey Baked hams, wine and spirits, and homemade jam from you. You can knock yourself out with slippers or a Huskies fleece throw, but these giftees will not abandon you and leave you bereft of life-long companionship forever after if you make a bad gift choice. Your Loved Ones are, however, not so forgiving.

Now would be a good time to make a list of your Loved Ones and consider what kind of people you're involved with. It's possible that your nearest and dearest will be delighted with a 6-pack, a carton of Marlboros and some new waders. You may already know that all your Loved One wants is a subscription to High Times Magazine and a Bob Marley Boxed Set. Perhaps the intrepid man or woman in your life would like every National Geographic ever published on CD-ROM and a GPS gadget or a lighted world globe.

If you are so lucky as to have Loved Ones with pre-existing passions and you can bring joy by simply adding to their model train set, their Hummel collection or a purchase of a new grow-light for the greenhouse, you don't need me this year.

My advice is directed to gifters who are faced with the challenges of gifting to recipients who are more mysterious in their longings. Since I don't know your giftees, I can't tell you what they want, but I am about to guide you far, far away from gifts that they DON'T want.

When confronted with a Loved One who is a difficult giftee, it is oh-so-human to reach for the eclectic, believing (usually, erroneously) that if the gift is odd, luxurious and/or expensive, it will indicate the depth of your feeling. This brings me to the Third Cardinal Rule of Gifting: Don't give it if it's weird any other time of the year.

Seasonal gift giving seems to drive a proliferation of bizarre items, like miniature horticulture, that either don't find a market or find a very narrow market any other time of the year. Suddenly, catalogues start carrying food collections in lovely jars nestled into sea grass baskets that require some kind of highly sensitive palate, where in other months, you can buy this stuff in bulk and store it in a plastic bag.

Things like rare nut butters, multi-colored peppercorns and exotic marinades are packaged in sets and start off with words like "Bella Cucina" and "Artisinal." And you are introduced to objects that you didn't know existed, and didn't know to even desire. No one in anyone's lifelong experience has ever bellowed: "Dang it, Dorothy! We're already late for the party and I can't find the Croc-Embossed Leather Wine Carrier anywhere! Did you use it last?"

I have many, many examples of these sorts of gifts. To make it easier for you to make index cards, I am breaking it down into a few general Categories to Avoid:

Stuff for People Who Drink and Elevate It to a Religious Experience
Refined Palate Gifts
Gifts Purchased for Men that Men Loathe
Weird Horticulture
All Things Monogrammed
Stuff So Self-Indulgent When No One Is THAT Self-Indulgent
Stuff That Just Sits There (Forever)
Bizarre and Potentially Life-Threatening Exercise Equipment
Inspirational Gifts That Do Not Inspire
Stuff Made From Bamboo Because We Can Make Stuff from Bamboo
Your Photo on Everything
Croc-Embossed Stuff for a World Gone Mad with Croc-Embossing
Ordinary Things That Are Silver-Plated to Create Faux Elegance

You should note that some Gifts to Avoid will fall into simultaneous categories. For example, the Monogramable Leather Cigar and Silver Flask Case covers five categories (and if you can, correctly, choose all of the five, you are ready for Intermediate Gifting).

I am, out of necessity, breaking this Primer into additional installments, so don't do any unsupervised shopping for another two weeks. Until our next meeting, I'd like you to continue reviewing the information and start paying close attention to catalogues and advertising to see if you can, already, begin to identify gifts to avoid.

If you pause over an ad for a $50 Digital Photo Key Chain or Monogrammed Silver-Plated Notepad at $25 or the Etched Crystal Poker Glasses for $75 and your instinct is to reject all of them as potential gifts to Loved Ones, you know you are well on your way to Gifting Success.

In the meantime, you may email me with questions, concerns or suggestions. And, remember, whoever said that it was "the thought that counts", gave excretory presents and just made up a noble-sounding excuse.

* If your Loved One falls into several categories, simultaneously - i.e., you are employed by your own OB-GYN and you're carrying his baby AND he lives next door - you are going to need the Advanced Gifting Guide. Since I haven't written it yet, just give him the Croc- Embossed Leather Wine Carrier. He's in no position to express any disappointment.

Note-to-Self 2: I'd like you to know that none of these gifts are springing forth from my busy imagination. All gifts are available for holiday giving, and if you choose to ignore my advice and give a Loved One the Croc-Embossed Wine Opener (which accessorizes with the Wine Carrier, but is sold separately), then in the spirit of giving, ask and I will direct you to the right catalogue.

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Ingrid is currently living and respectably employed in Austin, Texas with a firm specializing in environmental law. She hopes to get back home to the San Juan Islands next spring to stay.
While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." Besides a passion for Tiki Studies, Ingrid is borderline biblio-obsessive. She is an old-school Libran - i.e., she won't be leading the Revolution, but she'll work to make it an attractive affair and hire the musicians and caterers."

Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com

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