The Problems of Boys and Girls
(Avoiding Mental Crack-Ups & Tantalizing Technicolor)
"Love is a grave mental disease."
Plato
I admit that I'm out of my depth here. It's not that I'm cynical about that
Giant-Tea-Cup-Ride-We-Call-Love. Oh, I've had my share of the dizzy spinning and the cresting and dropping, and the heaving nausea, and the hanging over the side begging for the ride to stop and let me off. But I'd probably buy a ticket again if the tea cup looked stable and the ride didn't seem like it would go too fast. No, I'm not cynical. Mystified, maybe.
So, even though this should, according to the Hallmark calendar, be an article about love and all those many splendored things, I must confess that I got lost on the love-learning tract around thirteen (along with pre-algebra), and I haven't really caught up. I have a moment here and there of brilliant illumination, but then it's immediately followed by an opaque fog of confusion and I slide back to the benchmark where the last time love made any sense.
When I was in 8th grade, Martin Tiller started lobbing rocks at me on the school ground. This was puzzling, since I did not really know Martin and could not think what I had done to offend him so. Fortunately, he either had bad aim or wasn't trying very hard, because the worst injury he inflicted was to my peace of mind. I found myself reflexively ducking even when I wasn't at school.
This went on for several months, until one day there was a cease fire and I received delivery of one silver I.D. bracelet that had "Martin" engraved on it along with an invitation to be his girlfriend. The bracelet and proposal were couriered by a neutral female party - standard courtship procedure at my middle school.
Apparently, Martin's efforts to stone me to death or, at the very least, disfigure me for life were his attempt to express his affection. Although I explained to the messenger that, somehow, the rock-throwing had not fanned any flames of reciprocated feeling and I rejected the offer, Martin's devotion never waned. Not through high school. Not through college. I imagine that he's still sitting in his living room in my hometown, with a pile of rocks stacked up next to him, waiting for me to come back.
So, that's what I know. Guys throw rocks at you because they love you. That is the zenith of my understanding. The apex of my comprehension. The nadir of my insight. The very tippy-top of what I know about love. My apologies.
But, don't go away. Even though mine is a limited skill-set, it is my good fortune to have authoritative advice on the romantic problems of boys and girls from a time-tested authority (and you should read in "men and women" here since, in my experience, nothing ever really changes after 8th grade). After all, it would be irresponsible of me to withhold important information that could prevent a "mental crack-up." (Insert ominous organ music from Beethoven's Fifth.)
I know all about this because my friend, Paul, was raised in a conservative religious community and attended a private church school. The doctrine his church followed was very strict about boy-girl relations, to the point where even co-gender swimming was prohibited. Paul's family had a swimming pool, and children or adults of opposite sexes were only allowed to swim together if they were related by blood or marriage. Therefore, if the brothers and their male friends were swimming, the sisters were not allowed to join them unless non-family members all got out of the pool. The same was true if the girls and their friends were in the water. Males and females could hang around the pool together in their swimsuits, but there was something about sharing the water that was just indecent.
Why a chlorinated pool is an invitation to immoral behavior any more than any number of other boy-girl social opportunities is puzzling. But his parents' values were a minefield of forbidden activities and co-mingled swimming was just one example. What is likely, however, is that they were inspired by a man knowledgeable in the ways that love-play leads to depravity and death. 
In the library of Paul's school was a glass case. Two books were locked inside: The Christian Girl's Problems and The Christian Boy's Problems, both written by Bertrand Williams around 1943. Upon request, the librarian would unlock the case and remove one book or the other. The books had to be read at a table in front of the librarian; the books could never leave the library. A boy could not request The Christian Girl's Problems. A girl was never allowed access to The Christian Boy's Problems. Apparently, the psychological damage that could result if the books ever crossed their gender-specific readership was too awful to imagine. The writing was that powerful.
Paul told me this story and ended it by saying, "You know…I always wondered what was in the other book."
His birthday was coming up and I took it upon myself to track down the entire set (both books) of Christian Problems on eBay. Miraculously, the books were long out of print but still available for a couple of bucks. Paul was delighted and was, finally, able to grasp the problems besetting girls on the brink of young Christian womanhood in 1943.
Presumably, Bertrand has long gone to his eternal reward and will not object to my lifting whole sections of his advice for boys and girls (and, by extension, men and women) facing the temptations of lust and low behavior that can prey on the non-vigilant at any time, but particularly on Valentine's Day. I cannot do Bertrand's advice complete justice in just a few paragraphs, but if my effort keeps you on a straight path of clean-living and pure-thinking, and prevents you from sliding down the slope of sex-induced insanity, then my plagiarizing will not have been in vain.
Boy's Problems and Girl's Problems are divided into many informative and comprehensive chapters, each more insightful than the one that precedes it. Here are a few of my favorites for boys...
Avoiding Mental Crack Ups: Bertrand cautions that "sex thoughts" and traipsing down "evil sex roads" lead a male to "mental crack-ups" (which explains a lot, if you ask me). To avoid thoughts of a low nature slipping into the unsuspecting boy's mind, he recommends. "Do not remain alone! You will find that associations with other folk will still the mental stimulation which caused the temptation."
Boys should engage in an active sport, game or hobby. "Get into action as soon as possible in something you enjoy. Make something. Pound the punching bag. Wallop the croquet ball, wham into your favorite sport or funniest hobby. If temptation comes on you at a certain place, stay away from there OR sing a lusty and happy song. Do not spend long hours awake in bed!"
(So, true. How many of our young people today break into a lusty song when faced with temptation? Not many, I fear.)
Palling With Girls: Until I read Bertrand, I had no idea that the 1930s and 40s were so morally perilous what with all the "lax-moralled girls" and "fun-seeking jaunts to the beach." (It made me ever so glad that I was an adolescent in the 70s, when teens were virtuous, and fun-seeking was unheard of.)
Bertand warns, "There are alley-cat girls just as there are boys from evil environments who have been initiated into wrong-doing very early in life. You will find them in school, at the public swimming pools, on the street corners. They know all about sex, are ready to be petted or pawed, offer you their caresses freely and hang wildly on a kiss. When you are old enough to drive, they will make tempting offers to get you out for a ride." (We girls lure you out in our fathers' Studebakers.)
Bertrand goes on to explain that kissing is not normally permissible, unless "she is going to California, or you are planning a summer in New York, it might be alright for you to kiss her goodbye, but hardly anything else is necessary. I know the gang on the street corner talks about kissing their latest flames, but they never have any respect for the girl who is free with her kisses."
(Apparently, if you're just going to visit your grandparents in South Dakota, or driving to the Grand Canyon, kissing is forbidden. You have to be traveling to a coastal state before Bertrand will allow you a single smooch.)
The Strange New World of Sex: Betrand counsels, "Until yesterday, you hadn't thought that way. God turned the spring in your physical mechanism which seemed to loosen a gong that clanged, 'Okay, boy, it's girl-palling time!' You didn't strive to awaken that voice, but once going it is difficult to drown it out or have it "pipe-down' as you say in your gang-parlance. This girl-consciousness comes with the dawn of your sex life. Girl friendship and sex are closely related, but you want to keep your friendship on a high plane, and not let the lower emotions control you."
"Find some wholesome, congenial girl from your own group. Select a girl who is healthy and outdoorsy, not a tomboy, but one who can at least make it interesting for you on the tennis court, on a hike, or a friendly bike ride, …to make the palship congenial, she must be able to enter in to the things you like to do. If you select a girl pal with whom there are no common interests or points of contact you will discover your friendship to be boresome. The girl with whom you are forced to remain inactive will, sooner or later tempt you to petting, pawing, or whatever you may call it." (No question. The very instant we girls put down our badminton racquets, we are on you like white on rice.)
Vitamins and Sunshine and Healthy Habits: Betrand appears to have been lobbying for the Council to Promote Arterial Sclerosis, but did not read the pamphlet on melanoma. "The first thing is you must live right, sleep right, eat right, and this means strong wholesome nourishing food and a jugful of good old sunshine every day of your life. You have to go in for eggs (about one a day) and milk (from a pint to a quart) and whole-wheat bread and cereal and plenty of good red meat with a liberal sousing of liver thrown in at least two or three times a week.. Put a tan on you until it will look as if you have been dipped into a copper solution. Sunshine now will help you store up needed energy for later battles and personal victories."
Go to Bed Clean: Betrand contends that if you are sleeping half of your life, you aren't likely to be tempted astray. "You can store up energy for the future by sleeping long and even loud (you snoring fellow!) now. Do not think of going on less than eight to twelve hours. The longer you stay in bed the better it will be for your future physical man."
Bertrand, predictably, disapproves of swimming. No doubt, pools were not shocked with chemicals in his day, and polio was still a real threat. But he takes an extra zealous stand against it: "Don't swim where germs may be hidden….swimming pools can become infected with diseases that will either kill you, make you blind or wreck you for life. If you are going to swim in pools, go to the "Y", or where the water is properly changed under a doctor's care. Tennis is good for you."
In Girl's Problems, Bertrand loses a bit of his bravado and certainty. And, he describes girls in a certain creepy way that even the distance of sixty-five years can't quite obliterate.
Let's Build a Beautiful Body: "Letta knew that she was not beautiful, and so she made herself charming and kept her spiritual life clean and wholesome, as all you girls can. She learned that her homely features could be dramatized by making her entire life charming, so she played up her wreathing smile which showed the evenest row of white teeth one could imagine. And she knew how to tuck away her hair so that it would scatter the suns rays in a shower of golden sparks when she came rushing across the tennis court to pick up a swift back-hand."
"Many of her friends were able to spend a great deal of money on exquisite and expensive clothes. But none of them knew how to drape those clothes on their long or short or lumpy bodies better than Letta did on her firm little physique. When asked why she didn't go out for popular sports and questionable amusements, she replied, 'Oh, late hours, the wrong crowd, boys who dance and pet and girls who smoke and tell dirty stories keep me from really giving myself a chance to grow up happy and healthy.' Letta's face was so tinted with healthful exercise that no rouge could improve her rose petal cheeks. Her lips had been made so scarlet from happy living that no artificial coloring could add a bit to their beauty."
"While we're on the subject of making yourself over, why not try a new hair-do? The government war secretaries discovered that simply by altering the tone of their voices, re-shaping their hair-dos, lifting their shoulders, rounding their muscles by exercise, and tilting their chins they became more efficient, more attractive and more charming."
Get After Your Voice: "You want to soften your voice and make it mellow, as instructors do at the schools where telephone girls are trained. That's what you want: a telephone voice, so that when people hear you speak over the telephone they will say, 'I want to meet that girl.'" (Which is, currently, an illegal activity in many jurisdictions.)
Get Out of Doors: "Buy archery tackle and get into the swing of this popular girl's sport. Badminton is easy, active and a producer of energy in your body." (Bertrand is really over-the-moon for archery, making the reader reach for a copy of Freudian theory.)
How Far Can You Go? Tantalizing Problems: "Ray said, "It's done in Technicolor, and it's a whiz! What says you that you and I go to the Saturday afternoon matinee, Rosalee?"
"Rosalee didn't ask Mother for her opinion before going. She went with her boy pal. In the darkness of the movie house, Ray put his arms around her for the first time. Rosalee felt queer at first; then under the stimulation of the picture, the tingle of passion burst upon her. Rosalee, the beautiful girl who had everything to live for before she went to see the Technicolor movie, went home and penned a note to her mother. She drank lye from the bottle her mother kept on the porch for bleaching stained enamelware." (Don't worry. Rosalee comes through it alright, but develops a life-long aversion to The Wizard of Oz, thereafter.)
Palling with Boys: "You want to keep yourself for the one boy in all the world for you whom you shall meet some time later, and if you go around smearing lipstick on all the boys and leaving rouge and powder on their coat lapels there will be nothing sacred to hold in trust for the boy who some day shall be yours and yours alone. Be natural with boys, but make them keep their distance, as they will want to maul you and paw you with their hands." (Well, duh. Being pawed sort of infers the use of hands. One could hardly be pawed with feet unless one was dating a quadruped, which Bertrand doesn't address, but would surely lead to more mental crack-ups.)
Shall You Kiss?: Betrand cautions young women to "leave your lips for the one boy whom later you will want to hear ask you the one question in all the world." (Which is…?) Among other disasters, "one boy in twenty has contracted by his own sins or inherited the most terrible diseases, and a kiss can transmit them to you. You can catch a germ from a kiss which dooms you to untold suffering. So, don't."
Girl Friends: "Even though you have bosom companions, never become too familiar with them. Many high schools require girls promiscuously to take showers in groups. This is a bad practice and one that you and your parents should fight to the bitter finish."
"Girls who dance, smoke and attend movies should be on the taboo list for you. You will be on the safe side to stay away from the girl who tells smutty stories of the 'back-alley' type." (Got that all? Badminton, archery and experimenting with hair-dos: Good. Movies, dancing and showering in gym: Bad. Although, I must take exception with Bertrand with regards to dancing. I come from a dancing culture and the only thing I've seen dancing lead to is just more dancing.)
Capitalize on Your Defects: Here we learn that Bertrand encourages girls with defects to consider them an "incentive to work harder in making a healthy, happy, achieving girl out of yourself." Make up for "defects in looks and rounded limbs with brains." (What a sweetheart is old Bertrand.)
Specialize in Home Arts: "You may have your eyes on a welder's suit, but don't forget that whatever else a girl is she can never get away from the home arts. Women's work may be broadening, but her sphere remains in the home and the girl who will be happiest in the future will be the one who knows how to build a charming atmosphere for her husband and the children who shall bless her life. If you can do all the outside things and still are not at home in the kitchen or with a dustpan, your future when a man steps into it will be a failure." (Damn. I actually had a welder's suit. I should have just made my own dust pan.)
That's all I know about the problems of boys and girls and love. Don't throw rocks at your beloved, even it seems like the right action to get her attention. Watch out for Cupid and do everything you can to avoid the mental-crackups that seem to be the unfortunate result of palling around.
And don't use "boresome" or "evenest"; they're not real words.
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© 2008 Ingrid Gabriel
Ingrid divides her life between the San Juan Islands (where her heart lives) and Austin, Texas (where her paycheck is generated).
While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra ..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane."
Ingrid is an old-school Libra and believes that the Revolution should be a catered event.
Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com
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