McSweeney's Will Keep You Up at Night

posted 11/04/2006
As an adolescent, my friend, John, was out one night defacing property in his small Louisiana hometown. Overcome with his own artistic genius in mixed media, he was moved to sign his first and last name in spray paint under one especially fine piece of graffiti. Parish law enforcement was able to locate John pretty easily, thus leaving his family to question whether the boy had been born with any part of a brain at all.

Inevitably, almost, John grew up to become a lawyer. Although he is a fine litigator, his real gift lies in an uncanny ability to ferret out obscure web sites. One of my favorites from John is www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/.

This site is devoted to...well...lists or sequences of things. For example, item number four from:

"What People Were Saying About Me at the Party
I Had to Miss Because I was on a Flight Home From Chicago, "

By Shauna McKenna

Where's Shauna?

Or,

Alternatives, Should You Not Like Piña Coladas
and Getting Caught in the Rain

By Leighton Stevenson

Red wine and bitterly fighting with depression

Beer and throwing punches at the sports arena

Protein shakes and feeling the burn

Heroin and overdosing on the couch

Ham sandwiches and sitting in the park

Or,

Dan Brown's Works in Progress

By Vince Licata

The Tax Code: Jesus gets audited; is cleared of all charges on the third day.

The Source Code: Jesus tracks down software pirates among the Pharisees.

The Bar Code: Jesus uses the self-checkout lane; has difficulty scanning.

The Security Code: Jesus breaks into some houses; takes nothing, leaves love and understanding.

The Penal Code: Jesus in jail, again.

The Zip Code: Jesus mails a letter to the Pope; the Pope thinks it's junk mail and throws it out; history changes forever.

The Genetic Code: The alleged child of Jesus sues for patrimony.

The Enigma Code: The story of the Nazis' "unbreakable" code. (Jesus not involved.)

The Health Code: Jesus gets mild food poisoning; is treated and released.

The Ethics Code: Jesus retracts the line "And blessed are the lawyers."

The Area Code: Jesus changes his cell-phone company after too many dropped calls

The Municipal Code: Jesus is told to get the broken-down car out of his yard, or else pay a fine.

You get the idea.

Visitors to the site can either add to an established list or create a list of their own.

Obsessed with McSweeney's List, John and I spent hours (alright...days) working on a list of movie titles that were either the prequel of the movie, or an experimental title that was discarded. So, prior to "Dr. Zhivago", we had "Practical Nurse Zhivago". Before SeaBiscuit there was "SeaCucumber" or "SeaCrumpet". Until Kane got his citizenship, he was "H2B Guestworker Kane." Following, is an abbreviated list of our joint contribution:

The Story of "N"

Debbie Does Waxahachie (which is near Dallas, if you didn't know that)

Streetcar Named Interest

A Malcontent Without a Cause

The Bourne Mutually Agreed Upon Concept

Schindler's Note-to-Self

To Sir with Fondness

Guess Who's Coming for Drinks?

Sophie's Ambivalence

Das Dingy

The Hobby of the Christ

Grapes of Irritability

Roman Business Trip

Apocalypse Sometime

Potentially Unpleasant Attraction

Meander of the Penguins

No Trans-Fats (Grease…that's a hard one)

The English Out-Patient

Blade Jogger

The Days of Beer and Daisies

Anna, Karen or Nina

The Lion in Indian Summer

A Little Bit About Eve

Alice Moved Back

Benny and May

The Spring of '42

Gnosh at Tiffany's

Lease

National Microfiber/Polysonic Blend ("National Velvet")

Slipped Disc Mountain

Close Encounters of the Second Kind

The Pony Mumbler

It's a Relatively Pleasant Life

Gone With the Light Breeze

Assault on the Orient Express

Remains of the Day Before Today

Twilight of the Iguana

Jesus Christ: Bearded, Robed Extra ("Jesus Christ: Superstar')

Friday Night Fever

In the Warmth of the Night

Carob

Once you get started on McSweeney's, it's a slippery slope to nowhere. Pets will be left unfed; children will be unwashed; the elderly will be neglected; polar ice caps will melt to slush while you, feebly, attempt to trump the list and one another.

John's "Largely the Way We Still Are" ("The Way We Were)" went toe-to-toe with my "From Here to Somewhere a Little Farther On" ("From Here to Eternity"). My "They Ridicule Horses and Lower their Self-Esteem, Don't They?" was obliterated by John's "Fahrenheit September 10th (Around 11:30 pm)."

We started to deteriorate when I launched "Cha-Cha in Paris" and he countered with "The Night of the Mortally Wounded". Then I served "The Next-To-the- Last Picture Show" and he volleyed, "The It-Was-Really-Great-to-See-You Girl!" After he shut me down with "Star Diplomatic Measures Rapidly Failing", I had to admit I was in the presence of transcendental cleverness.

If you like pina coladas and have half a brain (a whole brain is really unnecessary), you could give McSweeney's list a go on your own. The problem is that you soon find yourself making arbitrary lists in a compulsive fashion. Which leads you to list the things you could be doing if you weren't trapped in a nightmarish vortex of making lists. It's much like practicing law, really.

Note-to-Self #2: Just when my single friends and I were bemoaning the lack of available, straight primates of good character, I learn that an internet dating service has been established for lonely orangutans interested in meeting one another for mutual grooming and shared fruit. When even a hairy, orange gal with strong arms and good climbing skills has trouble finding true love, is there any hope for the rest of us?

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Ingrid divides her life between the San Juan Islands (where her heart lives) and Austin, Texas (where her paycheck is generated). While Ingrid is spiritually promiscuous, she credits her guru, Jimmy Buffet, for her mantra ..."If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane."

Ingrid is an old-school Libra and believes that the Revolution should be a catered event.

Her column appears every other Thursday in San Juan Islander. To contact Ingrid, send emails to ingrid@sanjuanislander.com

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